Real Talk: Coming to Terms with Myself

I’ve been really reflecting on myself lately. Why the way I am, what I like, etc. For so long, I’ve been afraid to fully let people know who I am (especially my family) and it’s been suffocating me.

I’ve always known I was a little different. I grew up in the Bible belt, where the majority of people are conservative and are obsessed with football. Let’s just say I’m not really any of those things.

I hate being told what to do. I like doing things my own way, and I don’t like working for anyone but myself, unless it’s in a creative aspect. I see the world not in rules and structure, but in freedom and flexibility.

I went to a Lutheran school for six years, and was raised in a Christian family. I believed in God, but didn’t really understand some aspects of the religion. Why was loving someone of the same sex wrong? Why should we try to convert people who had different beliefs to our beliefs? Why were there beliefs to be considered less than ours? As I grew up, I started distancing myself from the religion, without telling my family (surprise guys). Honestly, I can see both sides of the situation. I can understand the theory of creation, but I can also plausibly understand evolution. I can’t prove if God is real or not. I still believe in a higher power, but I no longer align myself with Christianity.

As for love and sexuality, I identify as straight but for the longest time I thought there was something wrong with me.I hate being touched, I’ve never had a boyfriend, I have no interest in dating, I don’t develop crushes on people at random, and I certainly don’t have sexual urges. I could see that men were beautiful, but I felt nothing. I only developed crushes on guys I was super close with (you can imagine how that turned out). I later found out this is called being demisexual. Knowing I wasn’t broken lifted a huge weight off of me. I can honestly say I’ve only had genuine feelings for one man my entire life, and it’s almost ruined love for me, to the point where I almost don’t want it.

I’ve also held massive grudges over the fact that my creativity was suppressed for so long. I always wanted to be an entertainer, but no one took me seriously. I was told to be a teacher, psychologist, insert blue collar job title here. I was also told I would go to college. I didn’t want to go to college AT ALL, but I shut up and went to please everyone.Suffice it to say, I was miserable. I didn’t understand why no one encouraged me to pursue my passion.

YouTube saved my life and allowed me to finally figure myself out. I met people of differing religions, political affiliations, sexualities, and nationalities. I finally felt like I belonged somewhere. I wasn’t being suffocated in the ideals of my hometown anymore. Nothing feels better than being free to be yourself.

It’s ok to be different, and no one should feel ashamed to admit who they are. You are beautiful, and if someone doesn’t agree with your gorgeous soul, then they don’t deserve to be in your life.


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