Life

What Depression Really Feels Like

*This article is based upon my personal experience and does not represent everyone who suffers from depression.*

Clinical depression is a bitch. Let’s just get that out of the way. Everybody feels sad, but depression isn’t just feeling sad. Depression makes you feel like you’re drowning, like there’s no hope. Sometimes, all you want to do is sit and cry for hours, or lay in bed all day. It saps your energy and motivation, and it can be debilitating.

For me, personally, my depression is what holds me back the most and causes the most trouble. I’ve had days where getting out of bed was the only thing I had energy to do. I have the impulse to buy things when I’m depressed, because it makes me feel something other than utter sadness (even if it is guilt). I’ve lashed out at loved ones over the smallest things. I’ve even had days where I screamed until my throat was raw. I’ve done stupid shit just to try to feel a different emotion.

Sometimes, the simplest thing will plunge me into suffocating sadness. Being ignored by someone I love, finding out something was cancelled, etc. It sounds superficial, but when that certain thing brought you joy, it makes you feel like you’re doomed to be sad forever. It doesn’t matter that it’s not a slight against you, or that it’s inconsequential. If it was something that brought you even a glimmer of hope, to have it snatched away is devastating.

You might be wondering why I talk so openly about my illness. It’s understandable. I’ve been called a liar and attention whore because I have no qualms talking about it. The real reason, though? Because it does no one any good to keep it bottled up. If we keep it hidden, all we’re encouraging is that horrendous stigma. I wish I had had someone who talked openly about their struggle when I first started battling this. I wouldn’t have felt like I was broken or a troublemaker. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I just want to possibly bring understanding to a debilitating illness and provide comfort for someone else who suffers from depression as well.

If you are battling depression, it’s super important that you have someone that you are able to talk to (friend, significant other, family member, etc.). Also, try to find something that brings you comfort, such as gaming, writing,cooking, insert random hobby here. For me personally, creating content is the only thing that fully takes my mind off of all the crap swirling around in my brain.

Just remember that better days are ahead, and that you are going to do amazing things. It’s ok to take time to care for yourself, and it’s ok to not be ok. You’re stronger than you realize, and I love you.

 

 

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